What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize