You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
