he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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