I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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