Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
