I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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