I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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