Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
