I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
