You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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