You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
