If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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