Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
