i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
