I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize