areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
