omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
