it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
