just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
