Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize