Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
