Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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