Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
