She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
