I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
