allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
