I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize