i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
