I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
