It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
