you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
