you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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