Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
