i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He passed out mid-signature
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
