you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
