if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
