the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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