and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
