Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
