I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
