We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
