I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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