I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
