Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
