It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
