New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
