My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
