i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He did a backflip because drugs
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
