i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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