The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize