Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
