Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
