He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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