margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
