and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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