$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
