Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
